Sweet Reality

I am enjoying a perfect hour, lounging on my parents' couch on the porch while Sara sleeps, feeling the wind sweep past me, and savoring dark chocolate and coffee with real, full-fat cream. Close to perfection.

Although whenever Sara sleeps, I have this slight anxiety that something will interrupt her sleep too early and that the enjoyment will come to an abrupt halt with no gentle segue back to reality. I need a transition and nothing irritates me more than when moments I have looked forward to and allowed to become larger than life in my mind are unpleasantly disturbed by the things I can't control.

It's hard to decide sometimes if the wonderful experience of savoring a moment so much that I can't bear to see it part (as well as thinking over and over again ahead of time just how wonderful I expect the experience to be) is worth anxiety of trying to control my everything and the utter disappointment when (of course!) each and every time I cannot. Over the years, I have decided more and more to trade the feelings of excitement for those of a relaxed and laissez faire lifestyle. I have missed my time romanticizing but have not missed the anxiety one bit.

Sorry for that 3 paragraph tangent. It kind of ties into the adoption, though. I guess that anything can. I have tried not to overly romanticize the forthcoming experience of meeting Katya for the first time, so as not to have to suffer the anxiety of over planning and acting rigid and uptight trying to make things go my way while I'm overseas. I am figuring that if I don't expect much, I'll be better able to just go with flow. But I do long for that moment that I can hug and hold Katya and just let her know that finally she has a family who will love her and take care of her. I worry about her medical needs and her emotional needs and worry that she might be in pain all the time because of her neck being to one side all of the time. But I just don't let myself think about it too much.

Well, the phone rang and the dogs started barking. My perfection has come to an end. Back to sweet reality.